Dining out etiquette: 23 things you should never do at restaurants

How to ensure you are not on the list

1. Do not whistle or click your fingers at the waiter. You’ll get an immediate response, but you will also be treated with anger for being treated like a savage. You may want to consider whether you’d like the person carrying your food from the kitchen to be resentful.

2. Do not cancel your reservation. Cancel your booking if you are unable to attend. You are being rude to the restaurant by not canceling. If you don’t cancel your reservation, more and more restaurants will charge a non-refundable fee upfront.

3. Do not ask for a split bill. If it’s important, use the calculator on your phone to divide the bill between everyone.

4. Do not argue over the variations of dishes. Many restaurants and cafes will accommodate special requests. However, the only way that a couple of chefs can manage a large service is if they have already prepared a lot of the dishes. It may not be possible, for example, to make the puttanesca vegetarian or leave out the garlic in the sauce.

5. Do not blow your nose onto your napkin. This is a common occurrence in civilized society. When you leave, the floor staff will be left to clean it up. Eeeeew!

6. Avoid a screaming match in a romantic setting. Keep the argument for your ride home. As my girlfriend often reminds me, shouting and squawking are not acceptable in any cafe or restaurant.

7. Do not book for six people and then show up with only three. You will find that most places are happy to be notified in advance of the change so they can maximize their table capacity and find diners to fill those three empty seats.

8. Do not claim to have allergies if you do not. It’s said that it’s especially insulting when the waiter ensures your meal hasn’t been in contact with peanuts so you won’t suffer anaphylactic reactions, and then they see you taste their partner’s stay.

9. Don’t do a runner. Firstly, it’s theft. Remember that sometimes it’s not the head office who will be liable for the unpaid bill, but the person who served you.

10. Take the tissues to your home if you have bleeding. Please do not leave them on the side plate.

11. If the children dining with you wear the uniform of the local high school, don’t order a meal for under-10s.

12. Do not eat half of the steak, then complain about 1) the fact that it isn’t cooked how you want it to be, 2) the fact that it’s disgusting, or 3) the coldness.

13. Don’t blame the person trying to feed and water you if you are grumpy.

14. Don’t split the bill with your group. Tell everyone how much the service was and use the service contribution to pay for his portion of the bill. You’ll notice that the floor staff will be fluttering their collars when you leave. This means they have been under-tipped, and the person who collected the tip has ruined your generosity.

15. Even if the toilets are bare, don’t use the apron of the waiter to dry your hands.

16. Clean up after your children. If your kids are causing a mess and throwing food on the floor before you leave, make sure to clean it up. If that fails, tip generously and apologize profusely.

17. It’s time to go if you are being cut off because of excessive drinking. Never throw your glass or argue with the person who cut you off in a slurred tone.

18. Take your dirty nappies with you. Do not leave them on the toilet or under the table, even if in a plastic bag.

19. Do not crowd or block toilets. You know who you are…

20. Don’t refuse to put on a mask if local rules require it. It is unfair to force the server to enforce such laws. Do not be a jerk.

21. Do not claim to have booked eight seats when you do not. This is especially true if you are only able to book six. A liar who is caught out is a very pathetic person.

22. You shouldn’t scream and shout at the manager if you wait 15 minutes for a reservation in a restaurant that doesn’t require reservations.

23. Do not bully the server. They are there to serve, but not as your servants. Remember that line from the Kingsman film? “Manners are what make a man,” and a woman, for that matter.